Pre-Op

Almost happy day!  I got to leave work early.  I’m milking this Cancer-card for all it’s worth at this job!  Stupid corporation that only allows two freaking sicks days a YEAR!?!  (see my short titled “Flu-Tube”, and you’ll know why I get sick all the time).  So I had a minor nervous breakdown and called in sick on Monday.  I know, I seem all calm & cool with everything, but honestly, it’s getting a little freaky. 

On top of that, I have to deal with an insensetive asshole of a boyfriend.  Men say the stupidest shit sometimes!  It’s like they just open their mouths and vomit out the first thing that pops into their little tiny brains?!  I’m just saying…….shut the fuck up already!  I’m dealing with enough bullshit right now, and listening to my partner trash my mother, my best friend and my dinner is absolutely uncalled for!  Sometimes, I hate the booze.  Stupid me….I should’ve seen the asshole rearing his lovely pea-sized head, but was a little pre-occupied with my own drama-rama!  So enough of me bitching about my boyfriend…… Onward to the pre-op!

I take the lovely public transportation for 2 hours back to my neck of the woods to my new Ob/Gyn, and all they do is check my blood pressure, and tell me that no, they do not have any new news, meaning my biopsy results are still up in the air.  Once again, why can’t they just say “Cancer”?!  Pre-cancerous, carso-something or another.  For Chrissakes…..I’m an English major, not some bumbling fool! 

Then, she informs me that the procedure will be slightly more extensive than orginally planned, but still “It’s not cancer”, and now instead of two weeks of no sex, I get to wait a whole fucking month!  A WHOLE FUCKING MONTH?!  Jesus, Mary & Joseph!!!  Did I mention that next Friday is my fucking birthday, and whoops…..no sex.  Maybe, just maybe, I can actually get some for HIS birthday in May?!   I’m inventive…..hell, we both are, but a whole month of vibrators & oral?!  Then of course, I might have to just shoot myself by that time! 

Then, all they do is schedule my post-op appointment, and shuffle me off to the hospital for more blood-letting & scales & idiotic instructions about not smoking for 24 hours beforehand.  No Sex & No Smoking (oh yeah – that shit deserves capitals)…….it’s like my own private hell!  Oh wait!  Maybe on Friday, they’ll take away whiskey too!  Just shoot me in the head & be done with it!

Shuffling, shuffling…..all the fucking way back across the city from whence I came to the hospital located in the opposite corner of town.  At this point, I opted for cabs, since I do not think I really need to spend another 4 hours on public transportation, especially to get jabbed with a needle and pee in a cup.  And why do ya always end up getting pee on your hand?!  It just grosses me out.  I don’t remember having to pee in a cup this many times before.  I pinky swear that I’m not a crack-head!  Fifty bucks later……..jeez, I can by a bus pass for that!

One more rant, which I’m sure I will elaborate on after the fact, but religious-based hospitals.  Unfortunately, that’s most of them besides the teaching hospitals.  I was raised in the church but have long since abandoned that hypocracy, and I loathe it when they ask you if you want to talk with a pastor or whatever.  COME ON DUMBSHITS!!!  I’m having day surgery.  I’m not going to keel over and die, and even if I did, some fucking preacher-guy I don’t even know is not going to save my soul from eternal damnation!  Okay….now I’m seriously going off.  It just irks me, and then I always feel like the nurses are looking at you like you’re some kind of demon-spawn or something.  Because OBVIOUSLY I must be some sort of whore to have contracted cervical (non) cancer.  Uhhh….wake up people…it just happens!  Hey whatever…..if I’m going to Hell, I’ll meet you there!  : P