The beginning

 On March 14th, I went in to my doctor’s for my normal yearly check-up….all that fun stuff where they stick you in stirrups and whatnot.  Of course I get the new girl, who tries to draw about a pint of blood, can’t find my veins (apparently, I’m actually dead), and proceeds to jab me in both arms numerous times.  At one point, they even tried my left hand.  This always happens to me when they attempt to draw blood, so of course I point them to the one vein that actually works in my left arm, but still no luck!  Needless to say, I walked out of the doctor’s office with 7 Looney Tunes band-aids on my arms!  I then proceed quickly to the liquor store, conveniently located next door to the doctor’s office.  Hey…they didn’t give me anything good!!!  Plus now, I look like a junkie.  Thank goodness it’s the NW, so I’m wearing long sleeves!

     On March 19th, I get a call from the Nurse, and she informs me that my Pap has come back abnormal.  I am, of course, having one of those top ten shitty days at work, and all I really want to do is go home, have a shot or two and sleep the sleep of the dead.  Lisa, my Nurse who is in fact a doll-face, asks me to call back in the morning, as it is too late in the day for a referral.  Then, she tries to tell me not to freak out.  Okay, when the doctor says not to freak out, what’s the first thing you are going to do?!  Abnormal cells on my cervix?!  WTF?!  I get an exam every freaking year!  (Okay…breathe now)  So, I call back in the morning, get my referral, and call the new Ob/Gyn and set up an appointment.  Unfortunately, they can’t get me in until April 1st!  I figure this is probably a good sign…I mean, if they really thought I had cervical cancer, you’d think they’d get me in right away?! 

     Can you guess where I’m going here?  April 1st: After a week and a half of almost sheer terror, telling myself not to freak out because I don’t really know anything as of yet.  For all I know, I have a bladder infection or something else less scary.  So I meander into my new Ob/Gyn yesterday at 9:20 am.  I’m really early, but hey…that’s me!  Plus, I’m nervous as hell, and cannot sit around the house anymore without self-medicating! 

     My new Dr. informs me that there are “pre-cancerous growths” on my cervix, but “no one dies from cervical cancer these days”.  Oh joy…I feel SOOOOOOO much better now!  She then draws some sort of diagram, and on a scale from 1 to 10 (1 being normal & 10 being cancer), she says I’m at about a 7!  Another WTF from me!  How could it have progressed this far without being caught?  Shouldn’t they have seen something irregular last year?  She tells me that (lucky me) I get to strap in again, and that they’re going to take a look with the microscope.  Absolutely lovely.  She says that there’s a procedure, which is slightly painful, but which can be done in the office, where they basically burn the cells off of my cervix.  I might see some smoke, but not to worry.  Sounds like a blast.  At this point, I need a stiff drink.  But I’m all for getting shit over with quickly, so I say, “Go for it!  Whatever you need to do!”  I have a high pain tolerance, and at this point, just want to get it done with.  Turns out, they can’t do that specific procedure, as the cells are too close to my vaginal wall, and she’s pretty sure I don’t want my coochie burned……DUH! 

     The next step is scheduling my surgery for 4/11, as this more drastic procedure has to be done in a hospital.  Well, at least they’re going to knock me the fuck out for this!   Hopefully, they’ll hook me up with some wicked pain killers too! 

Why, oh why do I have to be too old for the vaccine that was just invented?!  To all of you with young daughters, GET THEM VACCINATED!!!  NOW!!!

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/cervicalcancer.html#cat3

© 2008 Christel Grady